A day in my life...

3. Jan, 2019

Hi everyone! It’s been a while, but yesterday something happened I felt was well worth a blog post... 

It began as an ordinary day and then as the day went by, the extraordinary happened ...

I was driving along on my way to meet a lovely new friend, who I had not yet met in person, from fb. With the music blaring and me singing, not a care in the world, when I decided to stop at the dentist rooms in Midland. There I pulled up in their car park and got out of my car. 

I opened the door to the office and stepped in. Weirdly, I felt like the whole room was mine. Strange I know! But yesterday strange didn’t cut it. 

The first thing I noticed were too kind faces looking at me from behind the desk. “Can I help you?“ one kind lady smiled at me... the other person was a young looking guy who I thought may have been a dentist. I was right.

I enquired about getting implants, stating that I had just about had it with my denture. (The full dental story can be found here in my blogs). Anyway the kind people behind the desk were more than happy to assist me and I spoke briefly about my denture journey and how I meditated away to have all my teeth removed. I also listened to the song ‘Shine, by Vanessa Amorosi... on my little voice recorder... They were amazed at my story. I still felt weird though... like I was the only one in the room, however a lady was sitting on the seats waiting, it seemed, to be seen. Or maybe she was waiting for someone to finish. Either way, I wasn’t the only one in the room. Although it felt like I was. The two lovely people behind the desk, the guy who I had learned now, was called Caleb. They told me they could have a quick look at my denture and headed off to set up the spare room. The first thing I noticed as I walked over to the seats was the lady sitting in the waiting room. I smiled at her. She smiled sweetly back. I then walked over to a shelf that had a few pamphlets on it. I picked up one and instantly read the words on it in bold print… it read ‘It’s your time to shine’ (see pic 1) ... I kept the pamphlet because I didn’t see the actual pamphlet I only saw those 5 words, they stood out like they were screaming at me. When I turned around I saw the next ‘sign‘ next to the shelf stood a placard that read ‘The journey of a thousand miles, begins with a smile’ (see pic 2). Then as if that wasn’t enough on the wall behind me hung a picture of a dozen butterflies. (See pic 3). I was astounded! 

Now the reason I say yesterday was ‘weird’ is because everywhere I went it seemed I was the only one in the room. Shop, office. No matter where I walked into. All eyes were on me. Now you may  think I am up myself for saying this but today the spotlight was all mine. After the dentist and receptionist had set up the room I was beckoned to follow them both and I was shown into a room with a dentist chair and not much else. I actually felt that this room wasn’t used very often. 

 I was asked to sit on the chair and lie back, open my mouth, with my denture in it, and show the dentist where it hurt the most. I was quite happy to do so. Again a weird feeling came over me. A bit like dejevu really. 

The dentist then checked my gums and told me they were a little ulcerated. I thought to myself, that’s where the pain is coming from. The dentist then told me, he was quite happy with my denture, however, he could make it more comfortable for me if I liked. I said “Yes please”. 

He excused himself from the room and proceeded to gather a couple of tools and returned promptly with an electric file etc. He began filing my denture plate and asked me to open my mouth so he could see where it needed the most attention. After a short period of time, he had filed back the bulkiness of my plate and then asked me to resituate it in my mouth. I did! It felt great! It actually felt different. He was so pleased with my smile I gave him. I don’t know how to explain it fully, but that smile, was something I hadn‘t been able to do for some time, for real. It‘s only when you lose something that you actually notice it gone! So true! My smile was given back to me today. All the signs led me to being made a client. I’m now looking forward to possibly being treated by these lovely people. I filled out all the forms and all the questions needed to add me to the data base. I will be going back as these people will be the ones to finish off my dental journey. 

I’m not too sure what lies ahead. But I do know that wherever I’m headed it will definitely be with a smile. The signs I received just in that brief moment in the dental office, were so clear. There was no mistaking them. The fact that the pamphlet read those 5 awesome words and then the placard... I realised my smile is what gets me where I need to go... the fact that it’s authentic, yet fake, being a denture plate.  If I’ve learnt something from this visit, it’s all in the attitude. In the end I was standing next to the front desk and Caleb came out and wished me well. I then prepared to pay for at least a consultation fee but the lovely lady behind the desk said there was no cost involved today. I couldn’t believe it! I was expecting at least $100, being dental work, but no! I wasn’t charged a single cent. 

Thsts what I meant when I said it felt like I owned the room! It was like all that mattered was my denture comfort. Thank you Universe! I appreciate you having my back... The signs were wonderful and now! I know this year I’m destined for great things! It’s my time to shine! 

The first sign said it’s my time to shine. The second sign was a thousand miles, New York, came to mind and the third was the butterflies. I truly believe it’s time to be that butterfly I’ve always wanted to be. I find many signs every day now and all these signs lead me to the fact that it’s my time to shine. Thand you Universe. My real smile is back! 

Blog off... 

 

5. Dec, 2018

Whilst I was on a shift with a client the other day I was walking across the car park heading into a cafe. All of a sudden in front of me a baby bird fell to the ground. I heard the horrible sound of the ‘splat’. I wasn’t sure where this came from and what it meant as I see everything has a meaning. When I looked up there were no trees, no nests nothing but blue sky above me. Where did this bird come from? I couldn’t understand that this had a meaning so intense from the universe for me. I picked up the baby and the first thought I had was I had to try to revive it. I couldn’t no matter how I tried or wanted to try. It was dead. What did this mean? I am someone who believes that if you look for the meaning and everything that happens, you will find it. This baby bird was dropped from the sky probably from a bird which had this innocent being in its mouth. Obviously it was meant to drop straight in front of me. When I got home I thought about what I did, what I thought and I put meaning to this but my guide told me what it meant. I was being told not to be carried by anybody as I would be dropped at any time. I was also been told to have empathy for something for everything no matter how big or small that is bought into my life. When I saw that on the ground and I picked it up in a napkin I placed it amongst the garden and I knew the ants and the insects would eat it and I had to accept that this was the food chain and  and this baby bird, it‘s life extinct obviously wasn’t meant to be. The metaphor that I arrived at was that no one can put life back into something that is already extinct. I try hard every day  to put life back into things and people that are extinct. This is who I am, this is who I have become as a result of all I have experienced in my life.  Sometimes I try a little too hard and other times not enough. But this baby bird when it fell in front of me was already gone. The message I received clear as a bell was this. In life we have to allow some things to not be fixed by us. We have to allow some things and some people including our children to fix themselves. We can be there to support them but we cannot love them too much. By loving them the way they need to be loved and always being there and always doing everything for them is not loving them it is enabling them making them rely on you and not on themselves. Only now can I see that baby bird may have been dropped by its mother. Trying to get it to where it needs to be but on the way accidentally dropping It to its death. I must now learn to allow my children to grow. They are now who they need to be thanks to me being there, they have now learnt how to be there for their own children. Now is the time to let them spread their wings and I just hope that they won’t fall to their death but if they do it’ll be because they haven’t learnt what I’ve taught them. I have faith that they have that everythung they need in life to be the butterflies they were born to be from the egg stage to the caterpillar, to the chrysalis and then emerging as the beautiful butterflies that I myself have learnt to become. I love my children unconditionally I love my children as much as any mother should love their children. In helping them become who they are born to be they have helped me become who I was born to be. The mother I‘ve become was a result of not having the mother I needed. But the mother I had was the one I needed to become the mother I am today. I love my mother for who she is. Mum! Thank you for all you didn’t give to me and for all you took away because if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have the heart I have. I wouldn’t give all I give. I wouldn’t know the things I know! I wouldn’t be the mother I am today. 

For that I am grateful ... Thank you! 

5. Dec, 2018

On the 3rd of December 2018 I finally found out what it was like to be fully loved... not only did I learn to love myself wholeheartedly but I also found a voice I never knew I had. The one thing about self limiting beliefs is the damage that is caused by continuing to believe them. The damage that can only be repaired by believing in you ... the beliefs we are given as a child carry through with us all our lives. What we are told by those we look up to is what we labour with throughout our futures. Only we can tear down those limiting beliefs and only we can live to see another year of loneliness if we continue to keep those beliefs alive. I’ve never seen me through the eyes of another. I’ve never seen me through the eyes of love. Yes! On the 3rd of December 2018 I left my relationship, believing in my limiting beliefs for the final time... “You will never be loved for who you are, because of who you are, you are unloveable” … well on the 4th & 5th of Dec I was proven wrong! I was given the best gift anyone could ever give me, I was given a gift of destruction... the last limiting belief that I have been living with all my life, was torn down! I was, for the first time in my life, fought for... I was shown I am capable of being loved and that I am loved unconditionally... yes! I left my relationship! And I prepared to move on... as I always do...because I’m unloveable...but I was called back! I wasn’t hurt, I wasn’t harmed, I wasn’t abused... I wasn’t threatened, I was called back through unconditional love... thank you Dave Abbey for loving me... I now look forward to the rest of my life being loved... accepted for me being me, for all my faults and all my failings... I am now whole again! Welcome to whatever the future brings and welcome to my life 🙏🏻💕🦋🦅

22. Nov, 2018

Good morning big, wide wonderful world... 

for those of you who noticed, my whole page content over the last couple of days had changed... I just wanted to share something with you all... this will be started here and cont’d in my blog section of my website. It will possibly be the most personal and most revealing blog I’ll ever write. Probably the longest too... 

 

I was contemplating leaving my relationship. I went as far as to organise a granny flat to move into. Now before you judge me, consider this!

When I found out my man was coming home permanently at the end of the year. After not being together for almost 9 years, he worked away for the whole time we’ve been together... 2 weeks away, 1 w/e home... I got scared... it really terrified me to think that I would have to face this man every day, at the end of the day... now! You may think that this isn’t a big deal... and to most it wouldn’t be... most would be excited, but when you’ve lived the life I have, you consider the situations as each and every one arises... as a threat... my man coming home permanently means EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE! Yes! I began to do what I do best! I began to prepare to Run! 

I was told when I was a very young girl (aged 7) these 3 things...  

“You are nothing! No one! You’ll never make anything of yourself! You’ll never succeed in anything! Because you are a no one.”

“You’ll always be barefoot and pregnant. Any man who touches you will use you as a baby making machine because that’s all you’ll be good for.”

“You’ll never be loved for who you are because of who you are... you’re unlovable.”

 

When you’re so young and the person you’re being told this by is the one who you look up to. Your caregiver. The one who is meant to love and adore you and be the one who cares for you and helps to make your days brighter by loving and hugging you, taking you in her arms and making you feel safe, secure, pushing you along, in the directions that are going to take you where you need to go. Believe in you! Be proud of your achievements. When this person is meant to be the one who takes you in her arms and wipes away your tears when your heart breaks from being rejected or being hurt by others in your life. When this person is the one who gave you life and was meant to be there! Through everything... when this person is your mother... 

This is the result of those damaging words... 

I get so close! I believe in myself and I KNOW I’m capable of great things... I just totter on the edge of success... I’m looking down from the top and it’s scary... I’m afraid I’ll make something of myself, especially when everyone tells me I’m wonderful! I’m amazing! I’m destined for a fantastic life... then I hear those words... and I run! I fall! I sink into the pit that is lying in waiting, always there ready for me to drop into when I fail! When I get that close to making something of myself I remember what I was told and I withdraw... these are known as limiting beliefs... the words I was told when I was just a young girl have rung in my ears all my life... I have chased after my dreams, that’s who I am, a total believer in what is possible and then just as I’m about to reach them... I draw back and I turn around and I run! 

All my life I’ve run! When I told my man that I was preparing to leave him. He was shocked! He didn’t understand why! But he wasn’t even going to try and stop me... he said “I don’t want to keep you somewhere where you’re not happy”. 

I took this as being he doesn’t care. But it was those words. Those words I was told had become the pinnacle of my life. A precedence to what was going to be the rest of my life...  

I was unlovable. He works away because I’m unlovable. He doesn’t want to live with me. Because I’m unloved and not the one who he wants to share his life with. I took it he was emotionally unavailable. I truly believed he didn’t care. Didn’t know how to care. Only because I knew that if he did, that would go against all I was told and all I believed. And that wasn’t ok! He never said I couldn’t do anything. In actual fact he believes in everything I do do... He doesn’t try to stop me from doing what I believe I can do because deep down he is the one I’ve been looking for all my life. Another thing my mother told me was that I turn men violent. I believed this as I was told it at a much vulnerable time in my life, when I was going through all the domestic violence and all the pain and suffering that I had seen my own parents go through. I believed I turned the men in my life violent, because they were. Because I couldn’t keep myself together and I was no one! I didn’t deserve to be loved and therefore I made it, constricted it, to not be loveable. I did everything possible to be hated... but I don’t believe I turned my men violent... because I had 2 relationships, the one I’m in now and my previous one where there hasn’t been and wasn’t any violence present. 

I’ve gone through my entire 43 years believing I’m no one! I’m not worth anything! I’m useless! Not loveable! Not worth anything more than having babies. I’ve lived every single day with the voice in my head, the one I was told was a crazy voice... telling me I’m wonderful! Just do it! Don’t stop! Don’t give up! Don’t allow yourself to become who your mother told you, you were. My guide. Who I later came to know as Alair. 

I wrote my book! I wrote poetry and journaled and then blogged since I was 7 years old. A lot of the poems have been destroyed. They’ve been burnt and or lost along the way. When those words chased me in a nightmare I had as a child. I was terrified. 

This is the scenario of this nightmare...  

I would fall asleep and I’d be in darkness. All of a sudden I would begin to see something coming through the darkness, towards me... when it became clear enough to see, it was revealed that these were letters of the alphabet. Huge! These Letters were towering over me! They were so terrifying! I began to run! I would run so fast but I couldn’t get away and when I looked back they were looming over me! I would run and run and run! Then all of a sudden I would feel them almost upon me and I’d wake up! I’d be sweating, crying, screaming inside to stop! This dream hounded me over and over again! My mother took me to a dream analyst. It was revealed through my session that I was being chased by the letters as a result of what I was beginning to do. He asked me if I wrote? I told him I wrote a poem about clouds. This poem was deemed, by my teacher, to be so profound, that it was in fact pinned up on the teacher’s notice board in the staff room... my teacher told me she could see me as being a wonderful author one day. My analyst told me the same thing and told me that the letters would chase me down until I kept using them. Then he told me, next time I had the dream, nightmare. To stop myself running and turn around... reach out and touch a letter... I couldn’t believe what he was saying to me... that very thought terrified me! I was being told to allow them to ‘kill’ me. I told him, if I do that they’ll fall on top of me and they’ll squash me to death... I wasn’t that brave and I couldn’t do that... so I left the session. I didn’t know what to think, say or do... I just knew I wasn’t brave enough to do what he told me to do. When I had the dream again, the same night, it all began the same as always. But something in me changed. Something ‘told’ me to stop running... turn around... so I did... I stopped running, turned around, closed my eyes and reached out... I felt a letter touch my hand... and then instead of feeling the crush, I braved up and opened my eyes... every single letter in front of me began to dissipate into thin air... every single letter was disappearing and I could feel myself absorbing them, all of them. Into my body. I felt strong! I felt like I could stand tall, taller than I ever was, as tall as the letters were... I was then able to see what had happened... I became the letters... from that moment on, when I woke in the morning, I wrote! I wrote poetry, journaled, scribbled. I even wrote short stories, all of which have been lost now. But unintentionally I was writing my life. I wrote like my life depended on it. I am the words... I am the letters in my nightmare. Then over the last few days, I realised this could have also been another metaphor for the words my mother told me... 

The letters were huge! They chased me for years as a child and when I refer to that dream now I see it differently. I see that dream now as the letters of the words that my mother told me when I was 7. I see them now as the looming terror that chased me down. The ones which were destined to be the unfolding of my life. The darkness they hid in were indicative of my mother. The letters were the words and the terror I felt was the fear I’ve lived in all my life. All the fears I’ve experienced were predestined from my mother’s words. The whole of my life has been based on how I was bought up by my parents. The violence was the norm, all I was used to. So I sought it. The anger I experienced, myself, was what I was taught and so I went on to portray that. The love I have learnt to feel and give throughout my life has been discovered as a result of me being a mother. The mother I became was the result of not wanting to be my mother. The result of me being where I am right now, is knowing how to love... unconditionally, not only my children, my pets, my friends, my family and yes! Even my mother. Although I often feel that I am who I am because of who I was told I wouldn’t be. I’m a rebel. I won’t go with the grain. At times I’ll even fight against the flow. Trying to make everything happen now!! Not willing to wait! Yet! Knowing if I do, I’ll get more then I ever imagined. Better than I even wished for myself. I won’t comply by any rules and yet I’m not disrespectful of authority figures either. I truly believe all is am and all I have been through in my life has been the journey I’ve had to take to be here. Where I stand. The journey I embarked upon, 50,years ago, was one of amazement. 

I always aspired to be a great author... I believed, as a result of my teacher, the analyst telling me, that I would be a great author one day... then the limiting beliefs that destroyed all my dreams, one by one, as they surfaced... I had to see the truth for what it was... 

I am capable of anything I put my mind to... I am amazing! Wonderful! Extremely talented! Beautiful! Unique! I am me! I am not the words my mother told me... I am not the words that chased me down... I am however the words I absorbed, the ones which made me stand tall, the ones that are now those which are going to make me a success! The ones which are going to bring me to where my mother told me I wouldn’t be! These words are the ones I use every day on my Fb page, in my counselling, my meditations, my readings, these are the ones I use everyday, in my life...

Please be aware that what you say to your beautiful children will, in fact, be those that will set the precedemce to the rest of their lives. Use kind words always and show them love, even when they are unlovable... it is then you should love them more... no child should be given false hopes but every child should be encouraged in what they decide to do... even if you don’t agree with their choice... don’t make them feel like they’re less than they are... they are all perfect in the eyes of their mother... 

When I was ‘discovered’ by a mistaken identity email... a publicist who believed in me... who truly believes my book could possibly be a top seller... I realised this could possibly lead to success! Me! A top selling author! And I ran! I did everything possible to not get it to where it was meant to be! On the shelves for all to read and for everyone to see me for I am… and for all I have been! Those letters that chased me in my dreams... they were the ones that prompted me to recognise the mistake that was going to bring me to where I’m meant to be... the ones that are now being compiled into the pages of my life memories and all the words that were jumbled, mixed up, misheard and mistaken are now the ones which will lead me to where I’m meant to be...  

I will become who I’m destined to be... I will become who I am predestined to be... who I was born to be... I will be All I’m supposed to become... 

I AM NOT NO ONE! I AM NOT NOTHING! I AM NOT A BABY MAKING MACHINE! I AM NOT UNLOVEABLE! I DO NOT TURN MEN VIOLENT! I AM NOT GOING TO FAIL! AND IF I DO I WILL PICK MYSELF BACK UP EVERY TIME AND I’LL FIGHT TO BE WHO I’M MEANT TO BE!  

My mother’s words mean nothing to me anymore!! I am 50 years old and I am beautiful! I am talented and I am unique! I am more than my mother’s words said I am! 

I will do wonderful things in this life, I already have... I will be at the top and I will be the voice of those who are muted as a result of their limiting beliefs...  

Don’t follow me! Don’t walk in front of me! Walk beside me! AMD I will be there to support everyone when they need it most...  

I am those letters, huge, standing tall, not afraid of what the darkness brings... 

Hear my words and heed my advice... listen to me and stop me when you’ve had enough... criticise me with loving words and I’ll listen... tell me what you’re thinking and I’ll support your thoughts... 

I am UNBREAKABLE!!

9. Sep, 2018

Do we really know what money is? If we didn’t have money could we truly survive? Money is a currency. It is a bargaining chip we use to get what we want in life. If we didn’t want for anything then we wouldn’t have a need for money. But do you stop to think of where it all comes from and where it all goes? Do you know what you’re spending your money on? How are you earning it? Is it legal? Do you have a right to what you’re receiving? They say money is the root of all evil. But it’s not the money that’s actually bad, it’s what you could potentially do with the money. Do you go to work day in, day out to earn your money? Do you take it from those who cannot afford to give it away? Do you steal it? Do you run a business and you’re money belongs to clients and clientele? If money was no object what would you do? Would you share it? Would you invest it? Would you give it to those less fortunate than you? If you won the jackpot in a game of chance. Would you know what to do with your riches? Who would benefit from your win? Many people never give money a second thought, especially when they live in abundance of wealth. Other people live strictly and frugalously to make every cent stretch into the next pay week. Some don’t know how to handle what they have and endeavour to make even more. Whilst others waste what they have and expect even more. Money is a funny thing. Without it we’re unhappy, with it we‘re unhappy, without it we don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, with it we can fall into darkness. It’s not what you have! Or don’t have! It’s what you do with what you have and how grateful you are to have it. Being grateful allows the doors of the universe to open and let more opportunities in to prosper with money. Squander it and or hoard it and there is no way of letting in any more. You stifle the flow of money and therefore all avenues close. Work for your money. If you cannot work, spend your money wisely. Save your money, invest your money, make it work for you. In the end what you do or don’t do with your money is your business. But I’ve found, if you cannot afford to give, give more. If you cannot afford to save, save more. Giving up the little things and then putting that amt aside will give you more in the end. Spend wisely peoples. Blog off!