29. Jan, 2018

When a negative result is a positive one!

Last week I was requested to have another bout of scans ... they were looking for cancer ... 3rd year in and I was totally in awe of the fact that I’d made it this far... I attended my appt with 3 beautiful angels holding my hand ... literally ... I didn‘t want to do this alone but I would have if I I had to... I didn’t ... not only did I have the love and support of the entire world on fb ... lol but I also had the love and support of God, my Angel Alair and all the beautiful souls in heaven... I felt very loved, beyond measure and I wanted to know it would all be ok... I didn’t! How could I know? This was just one of those things that had to sit on the edge of reality and fantasy until the results were in... my heart said “you’re ok!” … my mind said, “you’ll be ok!” And my body said “WTF!” “Believe what you want to believe, you’re not ok!” “This shit hurts!” … “So no!, “You’re not ok!” But as usual my heart and mind overruled my body and told me... “Wait!” So I did! The tests took all day and as a result of my veins not wanting to be a part of the canular the lovely nurse was trying to insert, they decided to play hide and seek... I know my veins don’t like needles in them, who does? But for once they had to behave ... nope... they wouldn’t and I ended up with unsightly bruising to my right forearm... she tried twice before she had any success... ‘bit more pain‘ I thought to myself, why not, I should be used to it by now... but I had forgotten what pain was all about and how it affected my life, way back when... that’s the weird thing about pain, at the time it is being inflicted or you‘re experiencing it, it’s unbearable... so way to hard to endure.. but we do... the pain I was experiencing was nothing compared to the pain I’ve experienced in the past and yet it was a pain that was manageable... maybe because I knew it wouldn’t last... manageable pain, to me is a good pain, not because it is good but because it has reason... being given the reason for the pain you are experiencing not only allows you to accept what is being dealt out but it also allows you to source where the pain is coming from... when I set off today I didn’t know what to expect and when I turned my car around after I received that call from the hospital saying “All clear, no signs of cancer”... my heart leapt, it began to best properly again... I didn’t realise how deep my breath was being held until I actually tried to take another on top amd realised I had to let go of the one I was holding onto... wow! No wonder my chest felt so heavy... so in the end the results were arthritis ... now I knew, from years ago that I would endure this mean and nasty ailment but today it was a sigh of relief to hear that diagnosis... I thought to myself... at least now it’s manageable... I must learn to balance my life... not take on too much and all the while, continue to stay active so the nasty little so and so cannot get the chance to destroy my bones completely... I thought to myself... ‘we all have to die from something’ ... thanks to God and my angels up in heaven, this tIke it won’t be cancer... so there it is! 3 years cancer free... no cancer in sight ... but arthritis has claimed my body... hmmm when I was a little girl and into my young adult life I had a reoccuring dream... I saw a little old lady in a wheelchair, writinga book!… I’d say I was having a premonition into my own future... but it must be a long way away cause I’m writing and publishing my book now... and I’m no where new being put in a wheelchair...  have when I’m old and decrepid and then and only then will I succumb to a way of life that will debilitate me and claim my remainder years... so for now... welcome to my life arthritis and please, try to be a little kind... if not a lot... I promise I won’t do anything to make you mad... blog off!