22. Jan, 2018

God! Thank you for today...

It’s been quite some time since I actually wrote anything or even found anything worth writing until today... I do not want to be judged for this! I just want the truth to be known to those who care... and in the end it’s not anyone else who matters... it’s only me who God is allowed to judge... I’m not perfect! I’m no saint! But I do bleed like anyone else... and I do cry... this is my day.., please read of you choose to... 

22 years ago this year I lost a beautiful baby boy we named Brett Charles... I accepted his stillborn birth 

as I knew it was the workings of the heavens and God... I thanked God for taking him back before he ever got a chance to be hurt, in pain, abused, neglected or generally living a much less fortunate life than my, at that time, other 4 children... today my heart was torn to shreds... I could not fathom what the Universe/God did to me... for a very long time I was allowed to consider myself strong but not infallible... today I was confronted with the most terrifying lesson the Universe has ever thrown at me... today I was confronted with my Son’s birth & death... 22 years it’s taken to truly take its toll... to truly hurt me in a way I never thought I could be hurt... the pain I suffered today was excruciating, like my heart had been ripped from my body and thrown in a raging hot fire... today, as I entered through the doors of my workplace I was greeted by a very beautiful little boy in a chair ... I didn’t take much notice of him as I stepped into the office and then into the kitchen... it wasn’t until I was asked to tend to his needs on my shift... I walked into the dining room and I looked into this beautiful little boy’s face ... I saw him, my baby boy I lost... the one I never even got the chance to look into the eyes of as he wasn’t born with any... I knew in my heart, right at that moment that I had truly done the right thing... my unconditional love for my stillborn son was all he needed to be set free... but when I saw my son in this little boy... saw how he was living his life... read his notes, word for word... it was then my heart was ripped to shreds... this beautiful little boy was alive!!!! He was almost in the same body as my son, except my son had died inside me and didn’t get the chance to develop all his organs etc... this beautiful little boy was given a chance at life... my son wasn’t... I didn’t feel envy! At first I felt numb... everything tingled... throughout my shift I played with him, changed him hourly, applied creams to his tiny little bottom... It wasn’t until I actually had to feed him... peg fed! And give his meds through his stoma... it was then that I became unsure... like I knew I wasn’t doing it right... too scared to hurt him... seeing him in pain... it almost destroyed me... my heart was beating in my ears... everything wouldn’t function properly... I wasn’t hearing the instructions of what to do... I was hearing the hospital room buzzing with chatter... about my little boy who was lifeless on the table... I tried... I really, sincerely tried to keep my composure... I couldn’t! I just wanted to tell him, it’s ok! Little man! Mummy’s here and it’s ok to go... my son was already gone... this beautiful little boy was there! Loved, unconditionally by the little family he wasn’t born into but was fostered by... I cannot and will not speak this little boy’s name... he will remain nameless... but even his name ripped into me every time it left my lips... I know everything happens for a reason... I didn’t understand how this was a lesson until I just couldn’t be around him anymore and then I realised... god didn’t just take him from this world, from his family, from what was in store for his future... god took him from me! He took away my son because God knew I wouldn’t be capable to do it! To look at him every day and know he wasn’t the same as my other children... to know he was a product of Domestic Violence... Drug usage... continuous beatings to me as I carried him inside my womb... God gave me a challenge today and I failed... dismally... I requested  never to be asked to work with or around him... ever again... I know! I’m selfish... but I’m not sorry... If I cannot nurture a child that is not mine, by birth, but rather a beautiful soul given to someone who obviously wasn’t ready... and then given to a family who proved and still proves, daily, that they are... then why would God allow a soul to be born alive that I, myself would continuously be reminded of his detrimental father... every time I tried to nurture him I would fail... Today I was shown, through a living & breathing little boy... that I’m not a woman who can be blessed with a child with an illness/disability at birth... I was shown this in the cruelest way possible... when I walked away, early, from my shift and could not... no matter what... could not continue with his care... Today I was broken! Not beyond repair but worse than I ever thought possible to endure... my heart is bleeding and my tears just keep coming... I don’t know if I will ever be the same again! 22 years ago on the 25th March... 

I gave birth to a stillborn baby... 22 years ago this year God knew I wouldn’t be able to give him what he needed and today he did it again... he gave me a beautiful little boy... gave me the chance to care for him and make his life matter... and I walked away... I will never feel, in my heart, the same again! Brett Charles Rogers... I’m so sorry for bringing you into this world and thank you God for taking him away from me... he deserved so much better than what I could have given to him... I’m so very sorry for taking 6 lives and damaging every one of them and blaming others for my faults... I’m so very sorry for all I have lacked as a mother... I’m so very grateful that you knew! And so very sorry for my ignorance... today... you hurt me! You hurt me more than anyone ever succeeded doing... today you destroyed me! More than any man every had the chance to do... but today! You healed me... you gave me all the answers I needed to hear from all the questions I had concealed inside my mind... today! you gave me closure... you took him home because I wasn’t ready and then when I was... you gave me another to prove to you I could... I may not have been the most wonderful mother, partner, sister or daughter ... I was never the one who gave a damn! But when you took my son back home to be with you... I accepted it... maybe too willingly but you hadn’t finished with me until my last baby born... the one you gave me with the same symptoms as Brett... the one you entrusted in my care and I stepped up to the plate and after 29 days of hospitalization with my son... you allowed me to take him home... you believed in me and maybe! Just maybe! I proved myself worthy... today you took my heart, ripped it into shreds, pulled it from my chest and gave me back one that is whole... thank you for not believing in me... then believing in me after I proved I could... I’m sorry I let you down today! I’m sorry I walked away! I’m sorry I didn’t face up to my challenge! I’m so sorry I failed... but I still thank you for today...