15. Nov, 2016

Finding her soul

Some of the beliefs I changed were beliefs I held about myself.

The beliefs I used to hold about myself were not very positive. These weren't conscious for many years, but I discovered they existed because of the unpleasant emotions I felt; inadequacy, worthlessness, shame, etc.

I discovered these beliefs stemmed as far back as birth and other key times in my childhood, and included beliefs 'inherited' from my parents.

I truly believed I wasn't worth the air I breathed.. I felt that my whole life was a farce.. a falsehood, a lie, a fantasy that I attracted by my inability to accept things the way they were.. when I was a child I really found it difficult to accept the idea 'I mattered!'...

Then I found a different way, a way to accept these things I mentioned above.. I found a way to see that I did indeed matter, I was worthy of being alive, of having a life.

It took me quite some time before I could put all this into practice.. and the way I began to realize this was through abuse.. through being abused and by living my days and nights, walking over shards of eggshells.. biting into the bare soles of my feet and cutting into my very soul.. it was through all the abusive relationships that I endured and became an abuser in, that taught me my worth.

I only ever wanted to be loved, to love and be surrounded by those who thought me to be worthwhile.. in the meantime I lost my own self worth as a result of wanting so bad to be worthy of someone’s love.. never did I consider that the love had to begin with me.. I had to learn to love myself in order to be able to be loved and once I learnt this most precious lesson.. the rest is history..

I will never allow myself to feel that way again, I love who I am , I am loved for being who I am.. I am reminded daily that I am worthy and that this is what the result of many years of hate, frustration and anger can finally give in the end.. the true lessons learnt and taught, were given to me and through me and now I give these to you so that you too may be able to find your soul.