15. Oct, 2016

It's ok to meltdown, just don't unpack and stay there! Part 2

Excerpt from my fb post Yesterday morning. 

Woo hoo!!! I've managed to do absolutely nothing today! I got up! Went to the loo... Threw on a dress without any underwear... threw back my covers and greeted the day by jumping onto the bed and that's where I've been all day! Except when I made a chai and some lunch ... If I didn't have to go to the dentist at 3 I'd still be here alllll night!!! Cause I can! Mind you, I've finalised my Chrisco for the year... Took bookings by pm for readings, Counselling and meditation... Made phone calls that needed to be made, updated my pages, chatted with possible clients, email readings, a phone reading, patted the cat, tot pay out sums for all my financial commitments, paid a coupe of bills and did a 2017 to do list... And now! I've told you all what I've done... Hmmmm I think I better get off fb and head into town ... Not really feeling enthusiastic about this but I KNOW what the results will mean! It will give me a brand new look and a whole new perspective on life again! Bit like BC really! Anyways I must fly! Enjoy the rest of your day peeps, please don't miss me whilst I'm gone!

i dressed for the dentist. I knew it would become chilly in the room, especially with the way I was feeling about the whole procedure and I attempted twice to,walk out the door! Again I became a little emotional. "By God!" I said to myself. "This is BS". Here's me telling my clients and friends and family not to allow the ego to destroy all that is good in their lives and here's me not being able to step out the bloody door to do something that will, in the end, result in nothing but good! Still! I remained apprehensive. Toilet! Chai! "Oh look!" "The lounge needs a 'quick' tidy up! Then "Wow!" "I couldn't leave those dishes in the sink"... I ended up doing everything I wasn't planning on doing and then when I glanced at the clock... It was 10 to 3... My appt was 10 past 3... Omg! Even time stood still, or so it felt! I walked out the door! 

I got outside and climbed into the car, which by the way is a loan car whilst mine is being fixed. I starated the car. I glanced at the phone time, it was 5 to 3... "15 mins", I said to myself... Plenty of time, no need to rush! The dentist ain't goin anywhere! I headed into town. 

I honestly expected there to be no parking spaces, there never is, and I'd have to walk a mile, I always do, but! There was one empty space right outside the door, practically... Yep! I knew there would be! 

I got out of the car and walked inside. The lovely lady who attended to me yesterday was, again, at her desk along with another lady sitting beside her... The lady who attended to me the day before yesterday was just leaving on her break and as she walked past me she looked at me and said, "You Came back!" "yes", I said. "I had to". I stepped up to the desk and told the other lady I was there for my appt. At that moment I remembered I had been given a form to fill out, totally forgetting my head if it wasn't screwed on, I said to the lady "I'll fill this out as I wait! She nodded and I made my way to the waiting room chairs. 

I began to fill out the form and noticed the nature of the questions. Remembered filling out this exact form before, this wasn't the first time to this clinic, the questions may have been the same but some of the answers were now different. 'Have you had any of the following? And there it was! Radiation therapy! The thing that stopped me from having dental treatment for the last 12 months. I ticked the 'yes' box. I continued ticking 'no' for the rest of the questions and then  I signed the bottom the form. Ok! Done! I handed the form back to the lady at the front desk and she smiled. I thought to myself, thatll be me in a few months! I felt good about myself... 

I took a seat and waited! I wasn't there long and after I had just put up a bit of a panic mode status on fb, I was called in. 

I met the lovely young man a friend had highly recommen to me and he waved his hand and saI'd "take a seat, please". I sat! Shaking a little in my boots, I must admit. He knew! Or rather sensed my uneasiness and said "It's ok". "It'll be fine". "Now what can I do for you?". I knew it would be! I had to believe this was going to be my 'closure'. A part of my past, the last part, was about to be erased. I reflected silently, as they readied trays, tools etc, on all the things I had changed in the last 8'years, including giving up smoking! Which by the way was one of the questions on the form and I proudly ticked 'No'. Drinking, which was another question on the form. Again "No!' And was I taking any drugs was a mother question in which I had to answer yes! Tamoxifen! Not dope! I sat and reflected on these addictions that were now, proudly, a part of my past and I smiled, closed mouth of course. But a smile regardless. They were ready.

After much discussion, a couple of X-rays in the room and a chat with the nurse it was decided that we would consider full removal of the top teeth. I was asked to step inside another room to do a couple of full X-rays and after that we'd discuss our options. I got off the chair and walked behind the nurse into the next room. There was a machine that I had had a bit of experience with before so I knew what to do. I stepped up to the 'plate'. Whilst I stood staring at my own reflection in the mirror in front of me I began to tear up.I saw 'in my face', a face! I didn't realise how long it had been since I actually had seen me! I didn't like what I saw! But I said to myself. "All will be fine!" "It's time to change". I could feel the tears swelling again and I choked them back down! when the xray had been completed I was asked to stay put until the nurse returned. I did! I stood there gazing at myself in the mirror. I dared to smile. Afraid of what I'd see! Then a thought struck me, "this is what others see". I smiled. OMG! What was i looking at??? Was this really me? Was this what my partner looked at every day? Kissed? OMG! Really!!?? I didn't like that thought so I binnned it! Replaced it with another one. "He must really love me!" "To be seen with me like this, and still tell me he loves me!" "He must really, truly, love me". I had become a monster. Greying, unruly hair, blotches on my face, and those teeth! Oh! Those teeth! The nurse returned. 

"That's come out a little blurry", "We'll have to do it again". "Ok!" I said, what choice did I have! I went through the whole process again, smiled again and thought ... "This is it!" "Goodbye old and hello new!". The nurse reentered. "That's fine." She said. "You can go back to the room". I left the room with one more quick glance in the mirror and said, "I'm ready". 

When i reentered the other room I was greeted with a big smile on the young man's face. I liked his smile. I wanted one of those! I was asked to be reseated. I obeyed. He began by saying, "There's a couple of options here". "First, we can go with option 1" and he described that. "or option 2", and he described that. I went with option 1. It seemed like the best solution all round and it meant instead of pulling all the top teeth out and then waiting 3 months for the gums to settle. Then make the denture and fit it, he could make the mould, over a couple of visits, then pull the teeth and give me an immediate denture of a full set of top teeth. That sounded appealing to me. Then next year i can have the bottom plate fitted and wullah! I will have a full set of teeth! Albeit not my own, but regardless, I will have my smile! After a few more things got done and sorted, like taking the top mold and discussing price. Which I honestly thought, "Here we go!". "This will be the killer!". I was allowed to leave. I headed to the front desk to hear the verdict. I was told, when the info had been added to my file, that it wouldn't be 'cheap.' I honeslty expected the worst at this stage. I didn't get it! The account was put through. Now here I am going to tell you something a little personal. But what's not personal abou this whole story right?! 

Whilst I was enduring BC and a kidney infection shortly before that, we had decided to change our Health Insurance, my partner and I. We had the top dental put as a priority to cater for this and also paid into a gap saver. Once all was said and done the Acct for today was paid. I did however have to call our health fund and switch on the gap saver but with hardly any ado at all, they switched it on, gave me the amt in the fund and said it was fine to continue. The Acct was paid in full. The gap was completely covered and the best news was, there isn't going to be a single cent that we'll need to find. Thanks to my partner and his considerate contributions to the fund. I left with a smile on my face. (Of course a closed mouth one but still a smile). 

Im now booked in for the next 4 weeks, 5 including the initial one and in about 4 weeks time I will have a great, beautiful, new smile. I thought to myself. "It's time for a change". "This time, after all the detoxifications my body has been through with the Antibiotics from my kidney infection to the chemo drugs, radiation, etc. Now! This will be the last thing to rid my body of, horrible, broken, shattered, pieces of my past, which I carry around with me every day. In my mouth! 

They say, 'a change is as good as a holiday!'I'm about to embark on the next adventure in my life. I'm so excited! I cannot wait to get in that chair next week! 

To be cont'd 

 Blog off.