A day in my life...

10. Jan, 2019
It all began when I was aged 15. I had already been with the man I mentioned in my book for a year. I was now 15 and I found myself working in a Men’s piano bar. I was working as a food preparer. I took he job to make ends meet for my partner and I. On the first day I stoood in the kitchen for the whole of my shift. Being a very busy restaurant, I was unable to take breaks. Throughout the day, little did I know, I was being observed... by my boss. Back when I was at the ripe teenage age of 15 I had supple, rounded, perky breasts, an hour glass figure and looks to die for... you May think of me as being totally up myself saying this... but now, when I look back I was a stunner! Over the period of this one day, my first day at work, I, unknown to me, was being ogled by many men as the food was bought out, they only caught a glimpse of who was serving in the kitchen, but it was enough! The men didn’t see me as a kitchen hand. They saw me as their next piece of meat they were having served on their plates for lunch. Young! Vibrant! Very pretty and maybe potentially an asset to their lunchtime philandering. I saw them flirting with the waitresses. By the way, I did say it was a Men’s piano bar... and yes! The waitresses were topless... After a full day of serving and preparing meals I left to go home. I was patted on the ass with their filthy, dirty hands and undressed mentally by their filthy, dirty minds. I could feel their eyes undressing me. I felt naked as I passed through the tables to head out the door. I was exhausted! When I got home I wasn’t feeling crash hot. I was feeling a little under the weather actually and I decided to head to bed. But then I was awoken by a phone call. It was my boss. He congratulated me on the day I’d just had. He told me I was ‘wasting’ my life in a kitchen! 
 
When I asked him, “What do you mean?” He replied. “A pretty young thing like you should be making the most of what you’ve been given.” As naive as I was at the age of 15, I thought he meant my talents in food and maybe he was saying he’d train me as a chef. But no! That wasn’t what he meant at all. He said “I was watching you! We all were!” I told him “I know!” “I saw you all leering at me every time I handed over a tray to the waitress, I could feel your eyes on me and it made me feel very uneasy.” He said, “ You’re very beautiful.” Innocently I replied, “Thank you”. This phone call wasn’t about my being trained as a chef, he offered me a waitressing job... I looked at my partner lying next to me and said, “What ya reckon honey?” My partner replied “There’s heaps of money to be made in waitressing!” I added “I’d be topless”. He smiled, grabbed my boob and squeezed it. Looked me in the eye and said “Well! You have got great tits”. “I say go for it!” I was scared and disappointed. I returned to my boss on the phone and replied “Sure”, when do I start? He replied,”Hang on a minute”. I waited for what seemed like a lifetime. I thought maybe he’d changed his mind. I thought, oh well if I’m not good enough at least I can prepare food. He returned to the phone and asked “ How about I offer you something a little more beneficial to you both, if it’s money you’re needing, I can offer you something better.” Now I haven’t mentioned this till now but as well as waitresses running around with their breasts bared for all the filthy, dirty, rotten guys to man handle, this men’s bar also had strippers. Yes! Full blown strippers! These women/girls stripped naked for these men to enjoy and goggle at in their lunch breaks. These women/girls were beautiful, much like myself and a couple I’d say could possibly have been around the same age... My boss had other intentions for me. I didn’t know what they were but I decided to go with it so I asked! “What do you have in mind?”
I think I knew. He replied, “How would you like to be trained as a stripper? My heart leapt! It took a dive! I was experiencing mixed emotions, some of joy, some fear, some wonder, but mostly ... what came to mind was yes! I could do that! It would hurt all my family amd it would destroy my parents. I could do that! My heart leapt. I replied, “I’ll just talk to my partner.” I turned to my guy in my bed and I said, “He wants me to train as a stripper!”. My partner replied, “There’s HEAPS of money to made in stripping and you do have the most gorgeous body! That was it! My life had been planned out, at that moment, I was going to be someone! No longer a no one ... wow! I was going to become the best stripper you would ever see on the stage. I knew I was bound for riches! I’d make everyone eat their hats who said I’d never amount to anything. I told my boss, who was eagerly waiting on the phone, “Yes! I’ll take your offer.” “I am so excited”. My guy was doubly excited and I could feel his arousal in my back. Well that was it! My destiny was set in stone. I was going to strip my life through and at that time I truly believed I would become a star! My guy and I had very rough sex that night! It was wonderful! The next morning I awoke, all ready to set off on my new adventure. I began to climb out of bed, I could feel myself very wet. I thought maybe I had actually wet my bed and wasn’t aware of it till now. I threw back the sheets and laughter took over until I saw it!
 
My bed was covered in blood. It looked like I had almost bed to death on the sheets. I screamed. I began to cry amd I wondered if I was being punished. When you grow up in a religious household, this is the very first thing you consider when something goes wrong. I just sat there, in a pool of blood, crying. I didn’t know what to think! I called my guy to come to me, he wasn’t home. He’d already left for the day. I managed to get myself out of my bed, I was so weak, I headed for the shower. I needed to get myself clean. I honestly didn’t know what had happened and I thought to myself, “I’d better call my boss and tell him I won’t be in today”. I rang him. He was angry. Said I was making excuses and that I had already ‘promised him’ I’d be there to begin my training, as a stripper. I tried to explain to him what had happened but he was just yelling at me. “What am I supposed to do now?” He didn’t get it. I didn’t get it! He hung up and I rang the doctor to make an appt. They could hear the fear in my voice and so I was given one immediately. I was so grateful I wouldn’t be waiting. Maybe I could be at work in the arvo?? I dressed. I wasn’t bleeding anymore. It was as if it didn’t really happen. I pinched myself. Nope! Not dreaming! When I arrived at the doctor’s surgery I was being looked at by everyone, or so it felt, all eyes were on me. The lovely lady at the front counter told me she thought she may know what happened but she couldn’t be sure until I’d spoken with the doctor. I was clueless! I was too young to even consider what this meant. I was too young, to know!
 
After about 10 minutes or so I feeling quite light headed and a nurse came into the waiting room, took me by the hand and led me to a consulting room. She was the same lady who said she may know what was wrong. I recognised her voice when she spoke. She sat me down and asked me, “Do you have an active sex life?” I just looked at her. I thought to myself, ‘well yeah! If you call really rough sex, active.” I answered her by looking down and saying, “Yes!” And he uses all sorts of things on me.” She looked at me incredulously. She said “I meant are you having sex?” “But ok!” I looked down again and said, “Yes!” She put a gentle finger under my chin and lifted it up. She looked me in the eye and I could see she saw, I was a child. I began to cry. I cannot remember wether or not my guy came with me to the doctors. But I do recall he may have been there at that one, waiting outside. She spoke gently. “I can’t say for sure but I think you May have been pregnant. I looked at her. I replied, “Not possible!”. “I’m not stupid!”, “I’m on the pill!.” She replied, “It doesn’t always work!” I was crying again. I killed my baby! She told me I would have to wait until a couple of tests were run and then we’d know for sure. I was heartbroken. I felt like the biggest cunt of a person. I took a life. The doctor came into the room and I was asked a few questions. Pretty much the same as I had already answers with the nurse. 
 
The doctor did a blood rest, an internal, a couple of other tests, that hurt. He then sat next to me and said “If you we’re pregnant, you’re not now.” That was it! It was confirmed. I was carrying a little baby inside of me when I was working all day on my feet the day before. I should have been an upcoming mother but instead I was planning my life, with my guy, my boss and myself. I was planning to become a stripper. A path which inevitably lead me to other things. Possibly drugs and alcohol. I was already a user of canabis, a drinker and a smoker. But I would have been introduced to much harder drugs as I knew most of the strippers I’d met in my young teenhood, whilst learning to roller skate, we’re in fact drug users. I’d be joining the likes of them, in the end, I’d be a junky. I sat in this room listening but not hearing what the doctor had to say. I caught snippets of his conversation he seemingly was having with himself. Something about the rough sex the night before. The all day on my feet. And God’s plan! Yeah! Right! Fucking God’s plan! But that’s what it was. I wasn’t meant o go down that path. I wasn’t meant to become a stripper in a men’s piano bar. I wasn’t meant for a world of drug taking. Excessivness of all the sins one could muster. So instead I was being told, but the doctor, that I may never, ever conceive again. I was 15. That was the day I decided,or should I say, God decided, to lead me down another path. One in which, instead of being the user, I would become the victim. Instead of having no more children, due to my excessive praying, I would have 6. Lose one and help screw up the lives of the 5 I was blessed with. By not seeing the signs that were there all along. I was meant for so much more. Or was I! 
 
A year passed and when I had turned 16 I was sitting just wondering about my life and where I was heading. Still with the same guy from 14, the one I stole from my frenemy and I was now working in a laundry mat, living with my guy’s family. Fraught with troubles galore and all the while fighting off predators including my own man’s brothers and mates who saw me as easy prey. When all of a sudden a strange feeling came over me. I knew I was pregnant. I knew I had a baby growing inside of me and I knew she would be my biggest challenge. I knew I would keep it. I knew if I didn’t I would or may never get this chance again.  I knew I had to be the best mum a child could ask for. I knew I had to not be my mother.  It was confirmed. I was indeed quite pregnant! The following eight or so months to follow were also fraught with issues. Problems. Lots of problems and challenges galore. I fough everyone to keep my baby. They all sat around judging me. They would tell me I was a child having a child.  I knew I was! But this was my child! This baby I had growing inside of me would be my biggest and best achievement to date. I couldn’t get anything else right so I thought to myself, ‘I’ll get this right!”. I’ll be the bestest mother a woman/young girl can be.  I tried! In the end, this story is found in the pages of my books.  I succeeded! In becoming the worst yet bestest mother I could ever be. Just like my mum. 
 
So! Did I, in actual fact, go down the exact path that was destined for me? Did I experience, so far, all I was meant to in order for me to teach others from my experiences? Did I lose my first baby in order for me to not pursue that direction, I was certainly heading into darkness. Or did I do exactly as I was mean to? At the exact time I was meant to. Has all my experiences led me to here? Where my destiny appears to be leading now! The goals... the aims... the objectives... the plans... the dreams I now have are bigger than Ben Hur.  Is it possible, in the end, that this is where I’m deemed to be, at this time in my life. Whilst I am writing this I am getting goosebumps over my entire body. My face is breaking out in a smile from ear to ear. I know this is my destiny. I know this is where I’m meant to be, with the people around me, my 4 children. One is and always will be estranged. That one is my oldest daughter. The one I fought tooth and nail to keep, against all others opinions. I won’t say I’m sorry any time soon. I could have done a lot different and if I knew then what I know now, well, let’s just say... I wouldn’t change a thing! We’re all who we are at the time we are meant to be. The time that seems like it’s the worse is usually the best time. Our futures are all planned out and I for one, am living proof, our destinies are set in stone, the day we are born. My destiny story is one of adventures, adversities, wins and losses... my story is much like many others. This is mine. What’s yours? Thank you for reading 💕
3. Jan, 2019

Butterflies

3. Jan, 2019

Message

3. Jan, 2019

Pamphlet

3. Jan, 2019

Hi everyone! It’s been a while, but yesterday something happened I felt was well worth a blog post... 

It began as an ordinary day and then as the day went by, the extraordinary happened ...

I was driving along on my way to meet a lovely new friend, who I had not yet met in person, from fb. With the music blaring and me singing, not a care in the world, when I decided to stop at the dentist rooms in Midland. There I pulled up in their car park and got out of my car. 

I opened the door to the office and stepped in. Weirdly, I felt like the whole room was mine. Strange I know! But yesterday strange didn’t cut it. 

The first thing I noticed were too kind faces looking at me from behind the desk. “Can I help you?“ one kind lady smiled at me... the other person was a young looking guy who I thought may have been a dentist. I was right.

I enquired about getting implants, stating that I had just about had it with my denture. (The full dental story can be found here in my blogs). Anyway the kind people behind the desk were more than happy to assist me and I spoke briefly about my denture journey and how I meditated away to have all my teeth removed. I also listened to the song ‘Shine, by Vanessa Amorosi... on my little voice recorder... They were amazed at my story. I still felt weird though... like I was the only one in the room, however a lady was sitting on the seats waiting, it seemed, to be seen. Or maybe she was waiting for someone to finish. Either way, I wasn’t the only one in the room. Although it felt like I was. The two lovely people behind the desk, the guy who I had learned now, was called Caleb. They told me they could have a quick look at my denture and headed off to set up the spare room. The first thing I noticed as I walked over to the seats was the lady sitting in the waiting room. I smiled at her. She smiled sweetly back. I then walked over to a shelf that had a few pamphlets on it. I picked up one and instantly read the words on it in bold print… it read ‘It’s your time to shine’ (see pic 1) ... I kept the pamphlet because I didn’t see the actual pamphlet I only saw those 5 words, they stood out like they were screaming at me. When I turned around I saw the next ‘sign‘ next to the shelf stood a placard that read ‘The journey of a thousand miles, begins with a smile’ (see pic 2). Then as if that wasn’t enough on the wall behind me hung a picture of a dozen butterflies. (See pic 3). I was astounded! 

Now the reason I say yesterday was ‘weird’ is because everywhere I went it seemed I was the only one in the room. Shop, office. No matter where I walked into. All eyes were on me. Now you may  think I am up myself for saying this but today the spotlight was all mine. After the dentist and receptionist had set up the room I was beckoned to follow them both and I was shown into a room with a dentist chair and not much else. I actually felt that this room wasn’t used very often. 

 I was asked to sit on the chair and lie back, open my mouth, with my denture in it, and show the dentist where it hurt the most. I was quite happy to do so. Again a weird feeling came over me. A bit like dejevu really. 

The dentist then checked my gums and told me they were a little ulcerated. I thought to myself, that’s where the pain is coming from. The dentist then told me, he was quite happy with my denture, however, he could make it more comfortable for me if I liked. I said “Yes please”. 

He excused himself from the room and proceeded to gather a couple of tools and returned promptly with an electric file etc. He began filing my denture plate and asked me to open my mouth so he could see where it needed the most attention. After a short period of time, he had filed back the bulkiness of my plate and then asked me to resituate it in my mouth. I did! It felt great! It actually felt different. He was so pleased with my smile I gave him. I don’t know how to explain it fully, but that smile, was something I hadn‘t been able to do for some time, for real. It‘s only when you lose something that you actually notice it gone! So true! My smile was given back to me today. All the signs led me to being made a client. I’m now looking forward to possibly being treated by these lovely people. I filled out all the forms and all the questions needed to add me to the data base. I will be going back as these people will be the ones to finish off my dental journey. 

I’m not too sure what lies ahead. But I do know that wherever I’m headed it will definitely be with a smile. The signs I received just in that brief moment in the dental office, were so clear. There was no mistaking them. The fact that the pamphlet read those 5 awesome words and then the placard... I realised my smile is what gets me where I need to go... the fact that it’s authentic, yet fake, being a denture plate.  If I’ve learnt something from this visit, it’s all in the attitude. In the end I was standing next to the front desk and Caleb came out and wished me well. I then prepared to pay for at least a consultation fee but the lovely lady behind the desk said there was no cost involved today. I couldn’t believe it! I was expecting at least $100, being dental work, but no! I wasn’t charged a single cent. 

Thsts what I meant when I said it felt like I owned the room! It was like all that mattered was my denture comfort. Thank you Universe! I appreciate you having my back... The signs were wonderful and now! I know this year I’m destined for great things! It’s my time to shine! 

The first sign said it’s my time to shine. The second sign was a thousand miles, New York, came to mind and the third was the butterflies. I truly believe it’s time to be that butterfly I’ve always wanted to be. I find many signs every day now and all these signs lead me to the fact that it’s my time to shine. Thand you Universe. My real smile is back! 

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